this past friday, pulses. celebrated 10 years of being a band with a packed show at Jammin’ Java in Vienna, VA with Megan Graves hosting plus nightlife, With Sails Ahead, cheem, & Zach Benson as support. I couldn’t have asked for a better event. the amount of love and joy that was in the room was truly above and beyond what I envisioned for the night and everything went off so smoothly, I was absolutely taken aback in the best way.

my parents were in the crowd that night. they haven’t seen me play in about 6 years. they have been very supportive in recent years but going to shows just isn’t their scene, and I fully respect that. I don’t think I realized how emotional I’d be about that though and my wall cracked before my speaking/rapping part on ‘you already know’. almost made it, but oh well. we’ve put so much energy into this band for 10 years and it’s cool that they got to see the fact that we have done a lot of growing in that time. growth is something that I’ve always been aware of, but when you have outside sources verifying things, it feels a lot different. I’m thankful to be doing this in a capacity that actually makes them proud.

a lot of my friends were in the crowd that night. some of these friends knew me before pulses., and that’s a whole different life ago in my eyes. this band has changed me fundamentally as a person, in a great way. I truly try not to think about the before times; I don’t hate them, but they are distinctly less colorful, less vivid times. I was still very glad to see these people from those times though. these people are reminders of growth as well. I am very thankful for them sticking around and understanding that this band thing is for real. I am thankful for my friends that I’ve made during the tenure of the band, entering in various points on the timeline, and seeing me for who I’ve grown to be. a lot of them don’t know too much about who I once was, and that’s something that I think is truly interesting. I’m kind of happy they weren’t around for who I used to be. I say all this to say that I’m very blessed to be around so many people from so many points in my life. the amalgamation of people is truly comforting.

imposter syndrome is a constant in my life, especially when it comes to pulses. and even through the majesty of the night, it still plagues me as I type this. nights like the 10 year truly keep me going though. not because I think that we deserve xyz, but because everyone’s stories and experiences and words and emotions can’t be all wrong. they are all valid, and if they’re valid, I am as well.

thank you to everyone who gives any value to what pulses. does, I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I love this band. I love the people in this band. I love the people who directly enable this band to be better. I love the musical peers who provide like minded support and inspiration. thank you so much for 10 years of experiences and memories.

the blog is back. I was talking with a friend a bit ago about things to do through my unemployed era and they suggested journaling. it’s always been something I felt like I could do, and I’ve tried to do this many times in the past. I always end up dropping it before the month is even out in favor of some other creative facet. this time, I think things are different, I want to do this more than just creatively. I want to use this blog for everything: general musings, musical endeavors, recapping important live moments, vanity posting, etc. having it on my own website vs. tumblr or medium is also kind of important; I have so many different social media accounts at this point, for myself and for the band. this place is for me and is about me. no other influences, nothing else is attached to it. you, the reader (if not me revisiting my own words), are here because you’re interested in what I’m saying, not strictly because you tag searched or were algorithmically pushed here. I miss single serving websites sometimes. places you visit for a daily update for a time but not a doomscroll. I want this to be that, but in my own way, in my own context. I wanted to say, “I hope I’ll be able to keep this going for a month this time” but I don’t want to act less than certain anymore. see you when I see you.